My Journey

From the hell of feeling powerless to being confidently back in the ebbs and flows of my life.

How grief broke into my life

In my early 30s I was married, working in a corporate job in London, had a full social life and was in the process of buying my first house.

Out of the blue, my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given six months to live. He survived just nine weeks.

This marked the beginning of a period of personal loss that spanned more than two years. In the five months following my father’s death, my sister was diagnosed with an incurable disease, my maternal grandmother died suddenly and my marriage folded under the now intense, emotional weight that I held.

The final straw came 18 months later when my best friend was diagnosed with cancer. She bravely stood up to the disease but lost her fight eight months later. We had both just turned 35 years old.

Her loss was one too many. I was completely knocked off balance and sent spiralling into grief, anxiety and loneliness. I was overwhelmed with traumatic loss and, unlike now, did not have a clue how to deal with any of it.

Like many people experiencing loss, I was further traumatised by lack of support. I did not know how to ask for help or where to find it. Nobody stepped forward and it seemed that society simply expected me to carry on.

How grief stole my dreams

I lost all connection with my inner wisdom through exhaustion. I lurched from one minute to the next just to get through the day. Self-care went out the window and my own health degraded.

Wrapped into this was the struggle to cope with my sister’s deteriorating health. When she turned to alcohol, anxiety hit another level. For years my mother and I had propped each other up throughout the family crises then, unbelievably, she suffered a debilitating stroke which left her paralysed. The remaining two members of my immediate family were now both disabled.

My sister battled with her demons for several more years before passing away one night in her sleep. The next seven years saw me caring for my mother until she passed away from cancer.

It had been a solid 25 years of trauma and loss.

How I healed my grief and reclaimed my life

Unsurprisingly, life in the corporate world became intolerable and harsh. Something had to change. I knew I had to make the switch to a more authentic form of work and began several years of training in healing practises.

This training taught me how to build emotional confidence and the importance of developing sustainable self-care habits. In short, I learned how to give myself the love and acceptance I had not received from others. The cultivation of this practice proved pivotal to my healing.

The grief that had caused me to feel powerless now felt manageable. I could safely navigate this complex emotional terrain with confidence and trust. Grief began to yield to softness and gratitude allowing a deep connection to the love that remained for the people I had lost. The processing of my grief now brought me moments of freedom and joy.

As I continued to heal and integrate my loss, I found a greater tolerance for the ebbs and flows of life and felt a renewed flow to my own life. Over time, a sense of meaning and purpose was revealed.

The result is that I am a passionate, Holistic Grief Coach and Mentor. If you are feeling overwhelmed by loss, please get in touch.

I dedicate my work to my amazing mother, Pauline, whose inner strength knew no bounds; and to my beautiful best friend and soul sister, Lesley. You are both gently guiding me in every moment.